Children: Helping Children Cope with Stress (Teens Too)
By award-winning author and stress-relief expert Susie Mantell
Remember when our biggest moral dilemma came at the end of Dr. Seuss's book, "The Cat in the Hat"? (Should we tell mom what we did?) Well, times have changed. And anyone raising children anywhere today, especially in the military community, knows that parenting--the process of providing safe passage for another human being from conception through adulthood in a 21st Century world, is not for the faint of heart. But you know what? Being a child can be very stressful these days too.
Secure Your Own Oxygen Mask Before Attempting to Help Others..
Always remember how naturally intuitive children are. Children don't miss much. And the day-to-day stress experienced in their own worlds, as well as in the adults around them, takes a toll. The lazy pace, innocence and "free" time enjoyed by previous generations, at least as we knew them, are all too rare. Our children's world is a wondrous, though sometimes frightening place. And the need for caring adults to listen and interpret and explain in appropriate and comforting ways, is one of the greatest challenges to any parent. Family arguments, financial pressures, hectic pace, adult depression or substance abuse, world events, even entertainment, are all processed through the filter of a child's perspective. The nightly news reminds us all too frequently of the fragility of the human spirit, but also of its extraordinary resilience, potential to process, and to heal. The possibilities before us for technology in daily living, enhanced human potential, medical research and further space exploration promise knowledge and opportunities beyond even our bravest dreams. So on the road to creating healthy ways to cope with your own stress levels in an ever-changing world, don't forget to fasten your kids' seatbelts too.
8 Tips to Reduce Stress in Young Children
1. Make daily quiet time alone with each child. Sacred. No Interruptions. (Hint: You will likely not "find" it, so you will probably need to create this time.) Offer time to talk about how things are going, to ask, tell, discuss and listen without recrimination. Starting at age three or four sets the stage for later years, when it may be very difficult to pry that door open from either side. A few quiet minutes for airing little worries can prevent them from growing into big ones.
2. Whenever a child wants to talk, be ready to really listen--between the words, without judgment. If it's not a good time, schedule a date for an hour later. Be prepared for anything, and for not necessarily being able to fix it. Simply expressing worries often has a way of dissipating them.
3. Kids need to learn to self-soothe. Share some of your own 'stress successes' to demonstrate that everyone experiences, and copes with, stress. (e.g."Today I was so frustrated in a long line at the bank, so you know what I did? I opened my wallet and looked at your picture from the picnic last summer! Then I remembered how much fun that picnic was and how hard we all laughed. It cheered me right up! Would you like to go on a picnic this weekend?") Or, "Last night I had a little trouble sleeping, so I turned on the light and read for a few minutes until I got drowsy and I fell right back to sleep."
4. Encourage drawing, storytelling, creative play and physical activities that are healthy, readily available ways to discharge anxiety.
5. Make it your business to monitor and restrict your children 's TV, movie, music and Internet exposure. Their psychological safety is as much our responsibility as say, fire-prevention.
6. Remember: We teach by example, intentionally or not. Much of how we cope with stress was learned watching our parents. (e.g. shouting, drinking, smoking, slamming doors, isolation, violence.) When you’re tense, try a walk, talking things over, meditating, getting hugged, a good, cleansing cry, and focusing on the positive.
7. I think there really is no such thing as hiding a serious problem from children. Only trying to hide one. Even when you think children don't understand the stressors in the household or your own life, they are likely sensing on levels they may not be able to articulate. It’s not necessary, nor fair, nor wise to share all adult problems with kids, but they probably sense when things are not right. Be on the lookout for a need for reassurance or to ask questions.
8. Perspective is an invaluable asset, and a wonderful gift to your children. Having spent over twenty years working with children and their families, my personal thought on, "having a bad day" is that very, very few entire days, start-to-finish, are completely and irreparably bad. Remind children that they may be having a really bad hour, or a really hard morning, but somewhere in this day some nice things will happen too. Then count them together.
A Word About "The Wonder Years"
Every single tip suggested above for younger children applies for teens as well. I have a client who renegotiated her professional hours when her child entered middle school so that she could be available to carpool, help with homework, sports, etc. She said, "In some ways they need my guidance even more now than when they were little." An interesting thought. Teenagers wake up every day in a different body, and the developmental stress inherent in adolescence impacts many areas:
Self-esteem
Peer pressure
Social pressure to conform, or not to
Academic pressure
Over/under-eating
Acne, perspiration body-consciousness
Awakening Sexuality
Hormonal swings
Temptation to experiment or test limits
Worry for personal safety at school
Family conflicts
Authority and autonomy issues
Closing Thought:
Take time to slow your children's world down and make it a lighter, gentler, safer place. Give them language to communicate fears, questions and secret wishes. You do not have to solve every problem, nor do this important job alone. Many skilled professionals, seminars, articles and books can offer strategies for preventing, assessing and relieving stress in children. But nothing will take the place of your child's trust that you will be there, and are willing to help, no matter what. It is never too early, nor too late. Talking with people whose parenting you respect is a great way to share what works, and to avoid re-inventing the parenting wheel which is, after all...pretty stressful!
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Award-winning stress-relief expert Susie Mantell ...is the author of the deeply soothing relaxation CD, "Your Present: A Half-Hour of Peace,” clinically approved for symptoms associated with stress and sleeplessness, depression and grief, anxiety, P.T.S.D., Fibromyalgia, caregiver stress, cancer, pain, divorce and addiction recovery. Featured in The Los Angeles Times, NBC, ABC, CBS-TV, Town & Country, The American Pain Society, Hazelden and The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation, listeners include The Mayo Clinic, Memorial Sloan-Kettering, The Betty Ford Center, V.A. Hospitals,and Canyon Ranch (#1 Spa.) Customizing stress-reduction for Fortune 500 companies, distinguished hospitals and spas, Mantell has facilitated thousands in relieving health-related, work-related, chronic or traumatic stress. Her multi-sensory, mind-body techniques appear in national media, medical and corporate publications. Susie Mantell's Stress-Relief & Wellness Tips are intended as an adjunct to, not a substitute for, professional health care. Order “Your Present: A Half-Hour of Peace” and find more of Mantell’s stress-relief tips at www.relaxintuit.com